Today George and I drove to Cripple Creek to enjoy the Veterans Rally, like we do every year. It's a nice little ride on the Harley, and we typically get to see alot of friends. We saw two - yes, I said two - friends today, even though there were thousands of people there. Very strange. Oh well, we had fun anyway.
Driving to Cripple Creek always makes me a bit melancholy, and even more if I drive through Victor - which we did today. So many memories of my kids are tied up in those mountains, and just being in the area makes them come flooding back. I got to hang out with my girls yesterday, which is one of the most amazing parts of my life, and I suppose that's why the melanchony hits me. They are so remarkably similar to their mom and uncle Tadd that I can remember 30 years ago like it was yesterday. Apparently I didn't get enough the first time, and I want a 'do over'. I have friends who admit that they hated every part of being a parent of small children, while I loved every part. I wallowed in it. I savored every moment of it. I thought we had a fun time, mostly, even though Crystal has blocked it out....Tadd has some fond memories of being a little kid.....and I have pictures that I treasure. Sadly, my life was imploding by the time they got into high school, and I know they questioned me - probably on a daily basis. I did too. I made alot of mistakes. I was strong when I should have been soft, and sometimes soft when I should have been strong. I sometimes didn't listen when I should have, and sometimes hovered when I should have let them go, but one thing I know for sure now is that their personalities aren't developed as a result of your mistakes...... your kids turn into amazing people in spite of them,....... My kids are proof of that.
I sometimes think that .... while I'm in the middle of a ppp (that's private pity party) ....that life has given me some tough breaks, but then I have to take a minute or two and remember that I only fell so hard from the corporate ladder because I chose to climb so darned high.......and I only suffered such relationship losses because I chose to give so much of myself to the relationship that I got hurt. I think you only get really knocked around by a game that you're actually in, so I take courage in the fact that I was not a bystander....I was in the game.
I remember - from the sitcom 'MASH' - an episode where BJ Hunnicutt was complaining about what he was missing by being in Korea, and what he was losing, and how he was suffering....and Hawkeye interrupted him and told him "has it ever occurred to you that the reason you think you are losing so much, is that you have so much to lose?" Very profound.
Even though I can't go back and have a 'do over', it is amazing to watch the kids grow now, and even more amazing to watch what a terrific mom Crystal is, and I know Carol and Murph share the feeling about Joe. I read Crystal's post about the park the other day, and I love, love, love the picture of Austin walking through the park - with the awesome look on her face, and I remember Crystal saying that if they could just get her to keep that confidence and be that sure of herself as a grownup (paraphrased of course), then they will have succeeded as parents. Apparently, if that is the guide for parenting,.......I succeeded too.
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