9/11 thoughts

It's been a beautiful Sunday.  I got lots of work done, finished a few projects, and spent some time at home.  The morning was spent watching the special broadcasts from New York City, which were very moving.  I don't know how many people remember exactly where they were during the attacks in NYC, but I remember where I was standing, what I was doing,..... I still remember the weather that day.  2001 was a rough year.  Two of my very dear friends at the time (one of them is now my husband) lost their spouses that summer, and my father died a month later.  I remember talking with Crystal about it, and I remember thinking how amazing it would be to have had such terrific relationships.   I remember thinking...... wouldn't it be awesome to have somebody love you that much?   Mere weeks later the attacks in NYC took place, and it rocked me to my core. 

I remember sitting on my chair, in the living room of my old house, alternating between staring at the TV screen, and staring out the window.  I was in a state of disbelief, thinking that these people had just gone to work..... they had just kissed their kids,..... picked up their Starbucks.......  hopefully told their spouses that they loved them.  Then 'just like that'..... it's over.   The thought.....as I stare out the window.... was this:
If my 'just like that' moment happened today, I would have been exceedingly disappointed that I had wasted so many years being in a miserable relationship and being away from my kids.  All I could think of was "Is this all I get?"

I prayed for help with my struggles.......  I prayed for strength to endure....... I prayed alot.  It wasn't until years later that I realize that my prayers were answered.  The answer was:  Move on, you can't fix this.  I have plans for you and they won't happen here.

I decided that I was going to begin living my life.  I was tired of being afraid, and tired of being unhappy, and frankly just tired....  My kids were a huge source of strength for me then, and I remember that even though they both gave good advice, I will never forget Crystal's comment.......through my tears - during a particularly difficult transitional moment.... 'Don't give up and go back mom.... we miss our 'real' mom, and we haven't seen her in years'.   (paraphrased for brevity - the conversation was quite lengthy)    So...... to make a long story short, I took a motorcycle class, took a handgun class and got a concealed weapons permit, and learned to scuba dive.   My life is fabulous now, and I sometimes wonder if I would have made the move had it not been for 9/11.

They're not always unanswered prayers......sometimes we just don't see the answer right away.

Fun new game!

I talked to Crystal this evening, and she told me all about how my little princess Austin fell down, and hit her head, and had to go to the ER to get checked out.  Stops my little heart.....

I know she'll be just fine, but I sure hate to see her hurt or sick.  Well I thought - to cheer things up a bit - I would share this great picture that I took yesterday when I was blessed to get to hang with the girls while Crystal and Tadd went to their storage auction.  Here is how the game went.....  Ride my bike as fast as I can until I hit the hot tub, then turn around and ride back to grandma for a kiss...then ride back to the hot tub (bonk)....then back for another kiss..... and so on...and so on.....   Pretty fun game, don't you think?   Tyler was sleeping, but I can see two bikes in the very new future!

Melancholy Moments

Today George and I drove to Cripple Creek to enjoy the Veterans Rally, like we do every year.  It's a nice little ride on the Harley, and we typically get to see alot of friends.  We saw two - yes, I said two - friends today, even though there were thousands of people there.  Very strange.  Oh well, we had fun anyway.

Driving to Cripple Creek always makes me a bit melancholy, and even more if I drive through Victor - which we did today.  So many memories of my kids are tied up in those mountains, and just being in the area makes them come flooding back.  I got to hang out with my girls yesterday, which is one of the most amazing parts of my life, and I suppose that's why the melanchony hits me.   They are so remarkably similar to their mom and uncle Tadd  that I can remember 30 years ago like it was yesterday.  Apparently I didn't get enough the first time, and I want a 'do over'.  I have friends who admit that they hated every part of being a parent of small children, while I loved every part.  I wallowed in it.  I savored every moment of it.  I thought we had a fun time, mostly, even though Crystal has blocked it out....Tadd has some fond memories of being a little kid.....and I have pictures that I treasure.  Sadly, my life was imploding by the time they got into high school, and I know they questioned me - probably on a daily basis.  I did too.   I made alot of mistakes.  I was strong when I should have been soft, and sometimes soft when I should have been strong.  I sometimes didn't listen when I should have, and sometimes hovered when I should have let them go, but one thing I know for sure now is that their personalities aren't developed as a result of your mistakes...... your kids turn into amazing people in spite of them,.......  My kids are proof of that.

I sometimes think that .... while I'm in the middle of a ppp (that's private pity party) ....that life has given me some tough breaks, but then I have to take a minute or two and remember that I only fell so hard from the corporate ladder because I chose to climb so darned high.......and I only suffered such relationship losses because I chose to give so much of myself to the relationship that I got hurt.  I think you only get really knocked around by a game that you're actually in, so I take courage in the fact that I was not a bystander....I was in the game. 

I remember - from the sitcom 'MASH' - an episode where BJ Hunnicutt was complaining about what he was missing by being in Korea, and what he was losing, and how he was suffering....and Hawkeye interrupted him and told him  "has it ever occurred to you that the reason you think you are losing so much, is that you have so much to lose?"   Very profound. 

Even though I can't go back and have a 'do over', it is amazing to watch the kids grow now, and even more amazing to watch what a terrific mom Crystal is, and I know Carol and Murph share the feeling about Joe.  I read Crystal's post about the park the other day, and I love, love, love the picture of Austin walking through the park - with the awesome look on her face, and I remember Crystal saying that if they could just get her to keep that confidence and be that sure of herself as a grownup (paraphrased of course), then they will have succeeded as parents.  Apparently, if that is the guide for parenting,.......I succeeded too.

starting over

Well, I guess it's time to start over.  I blogged for a while on my old site, but because it was such a pain to continually switch from my google profile to my other profile, I just didnt do it.  That meant that I couldn't comment on anybody's posts without being anonymous - which I didn't want to do.  Anyway.....to make a long story short - I created a new blog.  I'll start posting soon!