It's been a beautiful Sunday. I got lots of work done, finished a few projects, and spent some time at home. The morning was spent watching the special broadcasts from New York City, which were very moving. I don't know how many people remember exactly where they were during the attacks in NYC, but I remember where I was standing, what I was doing,..... I still remember the weather that day. 2001 was a rough year. Two of my very dear friends at the time (one of them is now my husband) lost their spouses that summer, and my father died a month later. I remember talking with Crystal about it, and I remember thinking how amazing it would be to have had such terrific relationships. I remember thinking...... wouldn't it be awesome to have somebody love you that much? Mere weeks later the attacks in NYC took place, and it rocked me to my core.
I remember sitting on my chair, in the living room of my old house, alternating between staring at the TV screen, and staring out the window. I was in a state of disbelief, thinking that these people had just gone to work..... they had just kissed their kids,..... picked up their Starbucks....... hopefully told their spouses that they loved them. Then 'just like that'..... it's over. The thought.....as I stare out the window.... was this:
If my 'just like that' moment happened today, I would have been exceedingly disappointed that I had wasted so many years being in a miserable relationship and being away from my kids. All I could think of was "Is this all I get?"
I prayed for help with my struggles....... I prayed for strength to endure....... I prayed alot. It wasn't until years later that I realize that my prayers were answered. The answer was: Move on, you can't fix this. I have plans for you and they won't happen here.
I decided that I was going to begin living my life. I was tired of being afraid, and tired of being unhappy, and frankly just tired.... My kids were a huge source of strength for me then, and I remember that even though they both gave good advice, I will never forget Crystal's comment.......through my tears - during a particularly difficult transitional moment.... 'Don't give up and go back mom.... we miss our 'real' mom, and we haven't seen her in years'. (paraphrased for brevity - the conversation was quite lengthy) So...... to make a long story short, I took a motorcycle class, took a handgun class and got a concealed weapons permit, and learned to scuba dive. My life is fabulous now, and I sometimes wonder if I would have made the move had it not been for 9/11.
They're not always unanswered prayers......sometimes we just don't see the answer right away.
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